Think back to the last time you really talked to your teen. How did it go? Sometimes, it can feel like your child turned 13, disappeared into their bedroom and never came out. The ‘teenage years’ are a time when your teenager is trying to make sense of their identity and this comes with huge changes for everyone. We tip-toe around their emotions and wonder whatever happened to your child who now seems only interested in snacks, their electronic devices and spending time in the rooms. You might feel sad and desperate for a way to reconnect with your teenager.
Try these suggestions to help you build a more positive relationship:
Actively listen Listening seems like the easiest thing in the world however it can be hard to remember in times of conflict, especially when you’re dealing with an upset or angry teen. The teenage years can be hard for our children and is a delicate developmental stage. They need your support to grow, but they’re also seeking independence and a sense of identity. Sometimes they might disagree with you, or demand new and unfamiliar boundaries.The way you deal with these boundaries will affect how your teen responds to boundaries in other areas of their lives. It’s important that you model active listening. Your teen needs to feel heard, so they can hear you, make sure you;
Give them eye contact
Give them space to talk, stay calm and keep your voice low
Try not to interrupt
Paraphrase back what they are saying to you
Keeping an open mind, trying to see their point of view and remembering how you felt at their age
Ask clarifying questions
Try not to get frustrated and use the 10 second rule (Think for 10 seconds before replying). When we feel defensive or threatened, we find it hard to listen. This is true for your teenager too and if you, or your teen are having a hard time listening, take a break and agree a time to revisit your conversation.
Be flexible Be prepared to explain your expectations. As your teen becomes more independent, it might seem like they’re constantly pushing against your boundaries. It’s important to take time to help them understand why the rules are the way they are. Often they are there for your teens safety but ask yourself am I being unreasonable? Can you compromise or is there another solution? Looking for different solutions shows you are listening and how much you care. When you’re willing to be flexible, your teen learns to work with you. This helps them see you as a resource and guide, rather than someone who always says “no” and just wants to spoil their fun.
Show interest Being a teenager is exciting! Your child is learning all about who they are and how they fit into the world. They’re developing new interests, making friends and experiencing many new situations. These years are important for developing social skills, self-esteem; learning coping skills such as problem solving and assertiveness. You can reinforce your teen’s self-esteem by asking questions about their interests. You might be surprised by how much you have in common. Ask your teen to show you how to play their favourite video game, make snacks together and watch their favourite Netflix show. This worked for me I loved Stranger Things! Chat with them about current events and listen to what they say, you may learn something new. How many parents have learnt IT or social media skills from their children, I have. Most importantly tell them they’re great at least once a day and take a minute to watch them smile when they start to believe you.When your teenager talks about a problem, try to empathise. If your teen is struggling with something don’t jump straight into problem-solving mode. Remember what it felt like to experience heartbreak and disappointment. Let them know you understand how they feel and work together to solve the problem.
The most important thing to remember is your teen still needs you…
Your teenager is growing up and searching for independence. In a few years your child will go from being completely dependent on you, to being a young adult with a job, responsibilities, a network of social connections and all the stress that comes with that. That said no matter how big they get or how much they act like they don’t need you …they always do. They’ll turn to you for all the best and worst parts of growing up. And when the day arrives when they do leave, whether it’s for university, college or work you’ll think back to the challenges and triumphs. As you wave them off with a melancholy tear (a whole box of tissues for me) you’ll know you just tried your best.
